Wednesday, August 15, 2018
This morning I woke up sobbing. And I had two thoughts about that: 1) That has never happened to me before, and 2) I didn’t actually believe it was possible. But, it is, and here we are.
Daddy has appeared in at least two dreams of mine since he passed away. In the first one, he asked us about the last days of his life. He wanted to know about the dosages of the medicine we gave him, the interventions, the final moments. He told us we did everything right, and we all felt so comforted.
In last night’s dream we went to visit him in a condo that overlooked the ocean. It was beautiful and white inside and there was an ocean breeze through the open windows. He opened the door and he gave me the best hug – he lifted my feet off the floor and I never wanted it to end.
When we went inside he asked us about everything that had been going on. He wanted to know about Mom’s kitchen renovation and if she was going to be a school nurse next year. He wanted to hear about Patches and how our lives had changed in the past few months.
And he told us he was getting better. He was walking again and was starting to feel more like himself. There was a woman there – dressed in all white, sitting quietly in the corner. She was helping him recover. And in true medical-family fashion, we asked him so many questions. Are you eating again? How are you walking? Are you getting stronger? He answered yes to all of them, but we still doubted that it was possible. I woke up feeling so sad that we doubted him, so sad that I missed him, and so sad that he couldn’t hug me like that again. But I also felt grateful that he was getting better and that we got to tell him about our lives. He’s still connected to us.
I watched this video about grief a few months ago, where a woman drew grief as this big mess of black lines inside a circle that was your life. Instead of the grief shrinking over time, the circle of your life just gets bigger. The amount of your life that the grief takes over gets smaller and smaller. Sometimes I hate that my life is getting bigger without him – that things are changing and he’s not a part of it. But, I think this dream helped me feel like he is still a part of it. He’s happy that our lives are growing and changing. It’s okay.